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my thoughts

Am i worth anything to anyone?

do i have purpose in my life?

why am i here?

am i not trust-worthy of knowing?

these question may seem depressing, but let me tell you. EVERY teenager has these thoughts.

we feel hurt and feel left out. we feel unwanted in every way. we feel not worthy of knowing anything.

This hole digs deeper and deeper. The current becomes stronger and stronger. Harder and harder to get up to stream.

how do you get out of a hole?

you get friends to help you, find positive friends.

(honestly i can’t really give advice on something i’m crawling through so this blog is just a record for me to look back on)

one step at a time u become stronger, to get to your safe place in the river that happens to be drowning you with thoughts

one day at a time you become stronger to get to your happy place in the world that keeps knocking you down with negativity.

right now i can think of millions of things to smile about. so why can’t i put on a smile?

i feel lonely and unworthy of knowing certain information and idk why

small update:

i have a feeling as if there is an elephant sitting on my chest, making it harder to breath and easier to think easier to freak out.

this feeling makes me feel drowned in my thoughts, drowned in a river where you can’t swim up the stream.

my heart reminds myself it’s gonna get better. i keep a positive mindset but i’m not always happy. being positive isn’t all ab being happy and that’s something i’ve had to learn.

life’s been great, even in the pain. i just gotta keep myself busy and love on those close as i get that i’m return.

…

sometimes i feel as if i’m not enough

sometimes i feel as tho i’m less than enough

these actions that are coming from different people make me feel unwanted

i get attention from every corner and i simply don’t care bc i don’t care what people think of me

the only thought i have in my mind is mine and his

but i don’t know if i trust either opinion.

i’ve been lied too i’ve been hurt i’ve been used (basically) and i’ve been beat down to where i completely feel useless and unworthy

i know where i stand according to my religion and what the Bible says about me.

i just feel like absolute trash. to the point where i feel like my best friend is leaving me sometimes or i feel like trash so much i feel like my boyfriend will even soon say “oh she doesn’t meet my standards, i’m moving on” ( guys i promise he’s not rude to me or treats me like i’m useless; he treats me like gold. this is just how i feel )

i don’t want to talk about my feelings when i’m moody. not to a friend, not to a stranger, not even to my mom.

i’d rather suck it all in and not create drama than let you see i’m suffering.

i’ve prayed about this for a while and i’ve distanced myself from a lot of people bc of the negativity in my life.

i just wanna know what it really feels like to be happy again. and i am happy w the people in my life they make me life and forget ab my problems. but when i’m alone and start thinking by myself that’s when my confidence breaks down.

loving others equals happier life

two weeks ago i was drowning in negativity, i hated the way i looked. hated the way i talked, walked; hated my personality. i pretty much hated everything about me.

i was talking to someone. i thought i really liked him and he really liked me. turns out i’m just a naive little girl that people want to hurt. during this whole process i kinda rejected my best friend to go somewhere w him.

i lost all my confidence when i was w this other dude, i didn’t trust myself at all for any happiness. but only you, yourself can make u happy.

that’s what i’ve tried to live by, then the guy i rejected started talking to me again. confidence is still down. i hate myself. hate my life. didn’t wanna be around family didn’t want to be around people. but wanted to be around someone just didn’t necessarily know who.

today, i have confidence bc of this one person. i have hope bc of this one person. i have no care in the world what others think ab me bc this one person. i have happiness bc of this one person.

my best friend has been going through crap, usually when she goes through something it breaks both of us down. now that i’m happier and feel important to someone i can help another like her feel the same way in the manner of how i’m supposed to be a friend.

this one person has showed me how to love others when i’m in my deepest thoughts and all this person has done is be there for me even when i’ve rejected him. this one person has showed me what a gentleman is supposed to be like. this one person has already given me the world by showing me, unknowingly, how to love another while also loving yourself. and i’ve known him for 2 months now.

this one person is probably gonna read this and be like ew wtc but honestly. all i’m saying is if y know how to love others w the love u have for ur dreams, life gets a bit easier.

happiness

people think being happy is always easy.

yea it can be but it’s not

when you have struggles, wants, needs, dreams etc

just like trusting God isn’t easy we all find our ways to deal with certain stuff but how do we deal with happiness.

most people say surround yourself with positive people

some would say be confident in yourself

“trust in God and he’ll bering you happiness”

for the past few days i’ve been in the worst mood, i’ve been stressed, insecure, hating myself, and not being able to self talk my way out and it sucks. i haven’t been wanting to be around my family or my friends i’ve only wanted to be around one of my friends for a lot of diff reasons.

i don’t wanna stay home and don’t wanna go out.

every time i’m upset i feel like i’m going to puke, every time i cry i feel like i let someone down. every time i’m hurting i wanna tell someone but my trust keeps me from telling anyone.

i have no motivation and no confidence

when i have confidence in my self i become more happy and such a positive but you don’t become happy when people are yelling at you to stay happy or not cry.

i cry a lot. a lot of people call me emotional. i’m sorry i can’t help it that i’m not happy all the time. i can’t help it that i don’t have as good as a life as you or that my life isn’t perfect and is spreading happiness everywhere. i’m sorry that i’m going through things that you can imagine and i’m crying because i don’t know what to do about it to make myself get past it. but you wouldn’t know. all you know is that i’m an emotionally unstable teenage girl and i get my feelings hurt easily.

i haven’t felt myself in a few days. i’ve lost a lot of trust and a lot of positivity, a lot of motivation and a lot of care for things. i’ve lost all of it.

i only want to be with this one friend because they make me laugh and make me forget about certain things. they make me feel myself. and for that i’m so very thankful and that person doesn’t know that they do that.

i want to tell this person what’s been on my heart but i don’t want to come off as clingy so i write about it knowing that person most likely won’t read it.

i don’t know who all reads this or even if you don’t read it. but not feeling yourself is not okay. if you don’t feel yourself because you aren’t happy or something like that know you’re worth so much more than you think you do.

staying strong is hard but it gets you to happiness and that’s what i’m trying to do

feelings

i feel lost

i feel distant, i feel annoyed, sad, troubled, i feel like i’m trouble, i feel broken, not healed, i feel confused

as of now i have no idea why i feel this way but there are many people who do.

one day i’ll have a fantastic day, the next i’ll have a really boring day where i don’t want to get out but i don’t want to be around my family.

there’s only been two people i’ve wanted to surround my self with and those two people light up my world and one of them doesn’t even know that they do.

i’m thankful. i make sure i’m thankful for everything. i try not to take things fro granted. i have a great home life. it’s not broken or torn apart, thankfully.

i’m hopeful, hopeful my life won’t turn into a crumbled bag full of useless trash. hopeful for the best at all times.

i’m humble, at least i try to be.

i love everyone in my life, i have two amazing friends that i talk to daily and they make me smile like crazy

i love my family, and my church family but i feel like there’s something missing. i’m just not sure what just yet.

i’m faithful, i’m v religious i have a huge heart for ministries having to do with the homeless and tiny children.

i’m joyful at most times i wanna try and see the good in all the bad i experience

i want to say i’m peaceful but it is something i need to work on more.

patience is another thing i need to work on because my timing is always wrong it’s not my timing i live on it’s God’s timing.

i’m kind, i may seem harsh in some ways but that means i’m messing with you or i’m telling you things the way i’d want you to tell me.

i’m good. i have goodness in my life i have a good support system

i’m gentle in most situations, others i have to work on. just have to remember. not my world. not my timing.

and everyone needs to work on self control but i feel like i have okay self control.

i’m not saying any of this to put myself on a petal-stool, im saying this stuff because without one you don’t have another and without that one you seem to fall apart.

right now i seem to be doing okay but i don’t want to talk to anybody or anyone. i don’t want to be around anybody or anyone. i don’t even want to be around my family.

but am i okay according to how i want to live my life. or am i okay according to how the Bible tells me to live my life?

we have many ways to know what sin is, it’s something that’s against the word of God and it’s as simple as dozing off in class.

we have many ways to know what the ten commandments are. once again it’s simple to break those commandments.

we have many ways of seeing how to live according to the bible. once again it’s as simple as living YOUR own lifestyle.

we have all these rules to live by but we get greedy with our selfish wants and desires that we don’t see the bigger picture of what we need.

i think it all boils down to our feelings

we want to do this and we want to do that. that’s how we feel. that’s how we cope. this is how we do this and it feels wrong if we do it another way. etc etc etc.

we just want happiness. that’s a feeling. we want presence. that’s a feeling.

if we ever look at the big picture and say. hey. that looks fun. or that’s beautiful. or that’s happiness.

we can feel all these things so why not stick with it.

we feel happiness with things we can touch bc of our lack of faith. our lack of faith is terrible.

happiness with things on this world is never lasting. it’s not going to last. at all. you have to make it last.

With God. it’s everlasting. trust him with all that you have. stop worrying about your life. move on. and stop having guy feelings that make you wanna cry 24/7. don’t worry and let go He’s got his arms wrapped around you just as long as you are holding on to Him.

these are just the things i’m struggling with and i thought i’d share 🙂

my personal life…

when you have a life to live don’t bemoan on the things that stress on the small details.

My past week has been a tough hardship for many different reasons. I finally felt happy for the first time in forever and then that broke. Me and my best friend were arguing a lot that didn’t make it any better. My personal life was going down hill.

My confidence and my love for others was gone. My patience was gone. I was always mad or crying because I didn’t like how God’s plan for me was taking me.

Last Saturday is basically when some of it began. Most of it began before but this certain thing began Saturday.

I’ve been told rumors about me. Throughout my school and out of school. Rumors that actually hurt a lot, but i didn’t show it. Every time one of these people would look at me i felt like they thought i was stupid for my decision which in reality it wasn’t.

That being said, don’t date just to have a status quo. Dating is practice for marriage. Dating is to be in a relationship with someone, with the intentions of having a stronger one in the future that might include marriage.

When i say that. I don’t mean go find someone and get married to them, just because you think they are your everything. Let me tell you, you don’t see the real them until you’ve created some drama with them. Also don’t create drama that is unnecessary.

When you are trying to make friends don’t just lie to their face, tell the truth. Down the road tour going to regret you’ve done that and you’ll be mad at everyone else, but in reality you got in that bad situation yourself.

Maturity in a relationship is the biggest factor you need. So if you’re not ready maturity wise, It’s not gonna work out.

As i lost my confidence, i got bullied more.

I was called names by one person, i was told lies about by one person. I soon then realized. I honestly don’t care. I know the story, God knows the story, and that’s all i need to know.

I’m not writing this to rat anyone out. I’m just writing my feelings so others can reflect back onto my story and how i deal with things.

As me and my friend fought, we both were going through multiple hardships in our life with our confidence and of course the bullying didn’t help. She was mad at me for not checking up on her all weekend and i said sorry, i’m going through some stuff. and let me remind you. I tell this girl EVERYTHING. Y’all know nothing compared to what she knows. She got mad at me because i wouldn’t tell her and so forth and so going through all these hardships i have learned:

You truly don’t know what you or someone else is going through until you get other people’s perspective

I was blind to the whole bullying thing, people had to tell me. He thought he was joking. I thought he was joking. But then i came to the realization that oh hey that’s not something to joke about. He isn’t joking. He’s actually serious, he wanted me to hate him before the time school came around. So if he doesn’t wanna be friends. That’s what he gets.

I’ve let it go. I haven’t been crying over him. I cried over him for one day. He hurt me. But so did my personal life. and i’m more focused on me and what i need to be doing to make me a stronger young lady for the next friend i make.

My plan is to be friends with everyone until i can trust my heart and trust them with all of my heart because that’s not a healthy friendship or relationship if you can’t do either.

hey guys!!

so i actually have a lot of things i want to blog about. but first i want to catch up with you guys and kinda tell you what’s been going on in my life.

so that being said let’s get right into it

i’m mostly stopped blogging bc i was busy all the time and by the time i got home i didn’t have any motivation whatsoever.

with traveling somewhere new every four days and church and getting ready for back to school…it was just too much.

Now i believe the last really blog i actually posted was about me taking a leap of faith. right after i uploaded that i deleted it bc i was unsure if i meant it or not, if this is what i wanted to post as content or if it was more for myself.

my point being of this blog is mainly for you not myself. yes, i do share A LOT of my problems with you guys but i share them in a way for me to cope and always a way for you guys to take the advice i’m learning and sharing to you and grow into a better-stronger human being.

since that post that i deleted i actually ended up taking that leap of faith and i shouldn’t have bc i wasn’t sure where my feelings were at. i was a moody hormonal teenager. on this dudes birthday, we end up breaking up for reason that are more personal.

after that i just kind of took a break. didn’t really see much into guys at all. like i’d love talking to guys as friends and hanging out with them. they just haven’t been my biggest worry as of this time in my life.

so a few months pass and i meet a friend that i’ve met before but we didn’t really talk we knew ab each other. didn’t bother to care to talk to each other. i thought he looked sad in one of his photos and so i commented and i was like this is totally out of concern, rather than out of rudeness but you looked depressed. he texted me that night and said thanks for the concern. it was really sweet of you and i’m grateful you checked on me.

moving past we didn’t talk that much. i still had in my head that i want to stay friends with any guy that comes my way. and if something happens it happens. me and this guy start talking daily and i’m still saying he’s my friend. like he’s cool, he’s sweet, he’s funny. what else could you ask for in a friend.

so after a few weeks of talking to him as a friend. i invite him to church bc he doesn’t necessarily have a strong church home. i honestly thought it was going to be the most awkward day of my life. but let me tell you. if you ever just meet someone and click with them. keep them in your life. bc they will always be the one who makes you smile everyday.

so that wednesday night we go to pick him up, first he notices that apparently i have a bad taste in music and then saw a song on my phone and pressed it and i said ook ok. this is cool. and he sang it. he’s very outgoing and not shy like at all. he’s funny. and as i’m thinking this stuff in my head im like. i like this kid. he’s like literally the funniest kid you’ll ever meet.

so a few days afterwards i told him, i was like so george (not real name for his purpose bc he doesn’t know i’m writing ab him) you’re really sweet and really funny and i actually enjoyed a guys presence for the first time in forever. i have some feelings for you and he was like dang that sucks man bc i have feelings for you as well.

all of this. is just the happy part about it. like he’s great. he’s hilarious. makes me smile everyday. we’re taking things slow. and make sure we have time for our friends as well as each other. LET ME REMIND YOU. I NEVER ONCE THOUGHT THAT I WOULD LIKE HIM. not bc of his looks or his personality,, just bc i haven’t had interest in guys much lately.

while i had that break of wanting to be friends with guys i actually went through some stuff but only because me and my friend are so close that we literally cry for each other and if ones hurt so is the other.

i’ve been so blessed with the people in my life that i’ve literally, found myself and now i DONT care what anyone thinks of me. they can call me a type of gardening tool for having so many guy friends. they can call me a drama queen for sticking up for myself and my religion. they can call my cringey for being MY SELF. i do not care.

as i found confidence in myself, i found peace with myself and i found my self floating along a river instead of struggling to get up to shore.

i’ve let God take control of my life and as long as you stay faithful to him it will all work out.

i’m confident in my self even the days that i’m sick. like now. i’m confident that i can do things better than when i tried if i already have. and by finding your confidence and your peace. you feel so much better with yourself and the people around you. i’m so thankful for the many annoying hardships i’ve gone through that have made me so much stronger. they’ve made me realize i need to have my guard up, to keep me on the right path.

i’m working on a schedule to post blogs and i hope to find more motivation to post different stuff. sorry for being inactive. much love ♥️♥️♥️

sorry…

hey, so um i haven’t been active in AWHILE not really sure why tho just haven’t had the motivation to do so with my life being so busy lately. haven’t really had time to either. so imma try and get back into a schedule at least and a few people on my instagram have asked me to write an confidence and trust. so im working on those. a lot of things have changed since last time i posted. so yeah. i might delete all of this and start fresh with a new start. just depends on how low my stats got. i love you all and hope to be posting soon.