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my thoughts

Am i worth anything to anyone?

do i have purpose in my life?

why am i here?

am i not trust-worthy of knowing?

these question may seem depressing, but let me tell you. EVERY teenager has these thoughts.

we feel hurt and feel left out. we feel unwanted in every way. we feel not worthy of knowing anything.

This hole digs deeper and deeper. The current becomes stronger and stronger. Harder and harder to get up to stream.

how do you get out of a hole?

you get friends to help you, find positive friends.

(honestly i can’t really give advice on something i’m crawling through so this blog is just a record for me to look back on)

one step at a time u become stronger, to get to your safe place in the river that happens to be drowning you with thoughts

one day at a time you become stronger to get to your happy place in the world that keeps knocking you down with negativity.

right now i can think of millions of things to smile about. so why can’t i put on a smile?

i feel lonely and unworthy of knowing certain information and idk why

small update:

i have a feeling as if there is an elephant sitting on my chest, making it harder to breath and easier to think easier to freak out.

this feeling makes me feel drowned in my thoughts, drowned in a river where you can’t swim up the stream.

my heart reminds myself it’s gonna get better. i keep a positive mindset but i’m not always happy. being positive isn’t all ab being happy and that’s something i’ve had to learn.

life’s been great, even in the pain. i just gotta keep myself busy and love on those close as i get that i’m return.

sometimes i feel as if i’m not enough

sometimes i feel as tho i’m less than enough

these actions that are coming from different people make me feel unwanted

i get attention from every corner and i simply don’t care bc i don’t care what people think of me

the only thought i have in my mind is mine and his

but i don’t know if i trust either opinion.

i’ve been lied too i’ve been hurt i’ve been used (basically) and i’ve been beat down to where i completely feel useless and unworthy

i know where i stand according to my religion and what the Bible says about me.

i just feel like absolute trash. to the point where i feel like my best friend is leaving me sometimes or i feel like trash so much i feel like my boyfriend will even soon say “oh she doesn’t meet my standards, i’m moving on” ( guys i promise he’s not rude to me or treats me like i’m useless; he treats me like gold. this is just how i feel )

i don’t want to talk about my feelings when i’m moody. not to a friend, not to a stranger, not even to my mom.

i’d rather suck it all in and not create drama than let you see i’m suffering.

i’ve prayed about this for a while and i’ve distanced myself from a lot of people bc of the negativity in my life.

i just wanna know what it really feels like to be happy again. and i am happy w the people in my life they make me life and forget ab my problems. but when i’m alone and start thinking by myself that’s when my confidence breaks down.

loving others equals happier life

two weeks ago i was drowning in negativity, i hated the way i looked. hated the way i talked, walked; hated my personality. i pretty much hated everything about me.

i was talking to someone. i thought i really liked him and he really liked me. turns out i’m just a naive little girl that people want to hurt. during this whole process i kinda rejected my best friend to go somewhere w him.

i lost all my confidence when i was w this other dude, i didn’t trust myself at all for any happiness. but only you, yourself can make u happy.

that’s what i’ve tried to live by, then the guy i rejected started talking to me again. confidence is still down. i hate myself. hate my life. didn’t wanna be around family didn’t want to be around people. but wanted to be around someone just didn’t necessarily know who.

today, i have confidence bc of this one person. i have hope bc of this one person. i have no care in the world what others think ab me bc this one person. i have happiness bc of this one person.

my best friend has been going through crap, usually when she goes through something it breaks both of us down. now that i’m happier and feel important to someone i can help another like her feel the same way in the manner of how i’m supposed to be a friend.

this one person has showed me how to love others when i’m in my deepest thoughts and all this person has done is be there for me even when i’ve rejected him. this one person has showed me what a gentleman is supposed to be like. this one person has already given me the world by showing me, unknowingly, how to love another while also loving yourself. and i’ve known him for 2 months now.

this one person is probably gonna read this and be like ew wtc but honestly. all i’m saying is if y know how to love others w the love u have for ur dreams, life gets a bit easier.

happiness

people think being happy is always easy.

yea it can be but it’s not

when you have struggles, wants, needs, dreams etc

just like trusting God isn’t easy we all find our ways to deal with certain stuff but how do we deal with happiness.

most people say surround yourself with positive people

some would say be confident in yourself

“trust in God and he’ll bering you happiness”

for the past few days i’ve been in the worst mood, i’ve been stressed, insecure, hating myself, and not being able to self talk my way out and it sucks. i haven’t been wanting to be around my family or my friends i’ve only wanted to be around one of my friends for a lot of diff reasons.

i don’t wanna stay home and don’t wanna go out.

every time i’m upset i feel like i’m going to puke, every time i cry i feel like i let someone down. every time i’m hurting i wanna tell someone but my trust keeps me from telling anyone.

i have no motivation and no confidence

when i have confidence in my self i become more happy and such a positive but you don’t become happy when people are yelling at you to stay happy or not cry.

i cry a lot. a lot of people call me emotional. i’m sorry i can’t help it that i’m not happy all the time. i can’t help it that i don’t have as good as a life as you or that my life isn’t perfect and is spreading happiness everywhere. i’m sorry that i’m going through things that you can imagine and i’m crying because i don’t know what to do about it to make myself get past it. but you wouldn’t know. all you know is that i’m an emotionally unstable teenage girl and i get my feelings hurt easily.

i haven’t felt myself in a few days. i’ve lost a lot of trust and a lot of positivity, a lot of motivation and a lot of care for things. i’ve lost all of it.

i only want to be with this one friend because they make me laugh and make me forget about certain things. they make me feel myself. and for that i’m so very thankful and that person doesn’t know that they do that.

i want to tell this person what’s been on my heart but i don’t want to come off as clingy so i write about it knowing that person most likely won’t read it.

i don’t know who all reads this or even if you don’t read it. but not feeling yourself is not okay. if you don’t feel yourself because you aren’t happy or something like that know you’re worth so much more than you think you do.

staying strong is hard but it gets you to happiness and that’s what i’m trying to do

feelings

i feel lost

i feel distant, i feel annoyed, sad, troubled, i feel like i’m trouble, i feel broken, not healed, i feel confused

as of now i have no idea why i feel this way but there are many people who do.

one day i’ll have a fantastic day, the next i’ll have a really boring day where i don’t want to get out but i don’t want to be around my family.

there’s only been two people i’ve wanted to surround my self with and those two people light up my world and one of them doesn’t even know that they do.

i’m thankful. i make sure i’m thankful for everything. i try not to take things fro granted. i have a great home life. it’s not broken or torn apart, thankfully.

i’m hopeful, hopeful my life won’t turn into a crumbled bag full of useless trash. hopeful for the best at all times.

i’m humble, at least i try to be.

i love everyone in my life, i have two amazing friends that i talk to daily and they make me smile like crazy

i love my family, and my church family but i feel like there’s something missing. i’m just not sure what just yet.

i’m faithful, i’m v religious i have a huge heart for ministries having to do with the homeless and tiny children.

i’m joyful at most times i wanna try and see the good in all the bad i experience

i want to say i’m peaceful but it is something i need to work on more.

patience is another thing i need to work on because my timing is always wrong it’s not my timing i live on it’s God’s timing.

i’m kind, i may seem harsh in some ways but that means i’m messing with you or i’m telling you things the way i’d want you to tell me.

i’m good. i have goodness in my life i have a good support system

i’m gentle in most situations, others i have to work on. just have to remember. not my world. not my timing.

and everyone needs to work on self control but i feel like i have okay self control.

i’m not saying any of this to put myself on a petal-stool, im saying this stuff because without one you don’t have another and without that one you seem to fall apart.

right now i seem to be doing okay but i don’t want to talk to anybody or anyone. i don’t want to be around anybody or anyone. i don’t even want to be around my family.

but am i okay according to how i want to live my life. or am i okay according to how the Bible tells me to live my life?

we have many ways to know what sin is, it’s something that’s against the word of God and it’s as simple as dozing off in class.

we have many ways to know what the ten commandments are. once again it’s simple to break those commandments.

we have many ways of seeing how to live according to the bible. once again it’s as simple as living YOUR own lifestyle.

we have all these rules to live by but we get greedy with our selfish wants and desires that we don’t see the bigger picture of what we need.

i think it all boils down to our feelings

we want to do this and we want to do that. that’s how we feel. that’s how we cope. this is how we do this and it feels wrong if we do it another way. etc etc etc.

we just want happiness. that’s a feeling. we want presence. that’s a feeling.

if we ever look at the big picture and say. hey. that looks fun. or that’s beautiful. or that’s happiness.

we can feel all these things so why not stick with it.

we feel happiness with things we can touch bc of our lack of faith. our lack of faith is terrible.

happiness with things on this world is never lasting. it’s not going to last. at all. you have to make it last.

With God. it’s everlasting. trust him with all that you have. stop worrying about your life. move on. and stop having guy feelings that make you wanna cry 24/7. don’t worry and let go He’s got his arms wrapped around you just as long as you are holding on to Him.

these are just the things i’m struggling with and i thought i’d share 🙂