a happy ending for you

i know i haven’t been active on my blog lately but here’s this::

it’s hard to not talk to you,, it’s hard to not want to see you. it’s hard to know that nothing will change. it’s hard to know that if we become friends,, i won’t see you the same. both of us will hurt. both of us will break down.

i want to talk to you,, i just want to be friends but i’m scared that if i run away from you you’ll be ready to talk. and even though it’s just friends i’m happy for it to be. it would have been ten months ya know?

now you’ve moved on and i’ve tried to move on,, i wish you the best and a happy ending. i just wish it was with someone who liked you the same amount you like them. because that’s what you deserve. even if that isn’t me.

i wrote this awhile ago so don’t get mad at me for writing this. k? k. i just changed the months to make it accurate.

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A letter

Dear Roberto (Roberto is just a nickname so i won’t say his real name) IM NOT DISSING HIM. THIS IS MY POINT OF VIEW ON HOW WE BOTH MESSED UP.

We drifted apart, we didn’t fix it, we hurt ourselves by not being strong enough for one another. it only felt as if you wanted out. but what we need was to both be out. it only felt as if it didn’t hurt you, because you hide your feelings like a dog hides it’s bone. you have them for ten mins dig a whole and throw them away. and at this point, i don’t care if you see what i’m writing with the stories i’ve heard around about you. i choose to believe them, for many different reasons. i didn’t need you for happiness, for worth, or for anything. i needed you for you to make me stronger. i may have broken you down(at least that’s what i feel like) but you only made me stronger and i can tell you i felt our relationship going down hill after 5 months..

we never talked “i’m not a phone person” well we talked when you were trying to impress me. i guess i wasn’t worth trying to impress for such a long time. i was worth it you just didn’t open your eyes to see what you had. i was there for you the whole time. you were there for me but you never once gave me advice to carry on and move forward with happiness.

you hold your emotions in and so do i. i soon came to realize that leads to a depression real quick and that’s why i never dressed up for you anymore. cause i was sick of letting my emotions out and you not saying anything back that i thought of the most stupid and annoying thoughts that maybe were true or maybe they weren’t but you made me feel like they were true.

i wanted to spend a majority of my life with you and even thought out my whole life with you because i loved you so much and maybe i still do. i still have the tiniest of hope. and when i told you i still have the tiniest feelings for you the other day i still have the biggest feelings regardless of the stories i’ve heard about you.

you were my first serious relationship. i didn’t really know what love was until i tried to carry on with you. life isn’t going to be great especially when you have someone else that’s going through the same stuff. but in marriage we can’t be like oh life’s tough so i’m going to divorce her. we have to fight through. at least we would have to if we were together. and i loved you and i’m more on the side that i like you bc i know your never going to love me the same amount. but i guess one person didn’t take the relationship as serious as it would. but we both messed up.

IM NOT DISSING HIM. THIS IS MY POINT OF VEIW ON HOW BOTH OF US MESSED UP.

soo…my life

Guys. i can’t tell you this whole story, but i’m going to tell you what i can.

BEFORE I START DO NOT TARGET ANYONE. THIS IS TO INSPIRE YOU AND TO LET YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET THROUGH IT.

one saturday morning i woke up and i was in a hotel room, close to my boyfriend and his dads house.

i asked to hang out the day before, since we were weren’t far away and we don’t have anything planned. and so i asked him and no response. but that night i asked him if he wanted to hang out text me time and place and we could most likely work it out. i said i love you and goodnight. again no response.

it didn’t really hurt me that he didn’t text me back because he was with his dad and he wanted to be with his dad. i understood that.

that saturday morning i wake up crying, cause i’m homesick for one person and i wanted to be with him and only him.

later my dad got up. i acted asleep for a bit so he wouldn’t see me crying and then i would have to talk to him about something i barley talk to him about.

i texted my mom because she was not at the hotel and i told her i can’t do this i can’t live in a relationship where we only text every few days i can’t be in a relationship where i feel unappreciated, but i didn’t feel unappreciated i was proud of myself bc i made our relationship work. i may have gotten mad at him or i may have gotten annoyed with him before but i made the love between us work and i was proud of myself for keeping such a strong mind on something that might not end up forever.

i put thought into it. i put my whole heart into it and he might not like me with the same amount of like or love but that’s because i put hard work and effort into something that i feel like someone will put to waste.

march 5, 2018,, i invited him over and i talked to him and we took a break but we weren’t fully broken up. we just need space from each other and grow.

i look at his instagram that night to see what he was going to do on wether or not he kept the pictures of us.

he deleted all the pics and i archived them.

i misheard the conversation.

i texted him the next day and said “i think i misheard our title, but what would our title be”

he said broken up but see where time takes us and i said well i thought we were still together and taking a break and he said isn’t a break and a break up the same things i said no(i explained) i said now we have a decision to make and i said i’d really like to stay together but i need space and so do you and he said i think we should just totally break up.

this week i see him for the first time since the break up and to remind you this is my first “serious” relationship.

i have a total break down because i can’t find the courage to talk to him cause i knew the second i’d talk to him i’d start to cry.

i couldn’t get through choir rehearsal without crying multiple times and so i get out. i see him. get the courage to say hello and then find the i start walking up to him and our friends and he turns the other way and leaves. and i tear apart.

i had high expectations for someone i loved so so dearly and kind of still do. but until we start talking again (which i highly doubt is going to happen) i will need to gain his trust and love back

not so much trust. i went to him with everything. he was literally like a teddy bear for me i would get mad at my mom i’d tell robert (not his name but it’s going to be his name)

i get so so scared he’s going to move on. i’m scared he already has. cause i’m not ready to see him happy. but i think about the love and support his family gave me and will continue to give me no matter what happens so wether he likes it or not i’m still in his life by my mom and his family being friends and i am so so thankful we could at least be friends, even if it means i’m in pain. i’m going to wait until he realized he missed out on a big opportunity bc no one will ever treat him better than i did. just saying.

be strong kids, ily all. so so much. goodnight.

MY LIFE RECENTLY

OKAY. SO. THIS IS ALL OUT OF HAPPINESS I JUST GOT A THOUGHT. K? SO DONT COME AT ME IF YOU READ THIS AND THINK ITS ABOUT YOU BECAUSE ITS NOT. ITS ABOUT A THOUGHT I HAD EARLIER

SO. The beginning of this week i had an emotional heartbreak, but it was for the good.

i’m sad but yet i don’t understand why i’m sad. we are both moving on and we are both trying to grow up and find ourselves. which i think is really good and mature for our age to do.

we did the right thing. but i cry.

because of heart break, but i learned i also cry because i’m scared i’m never going to find another person like you.

even though i’m broken down and don’t want to think about the bad and i don’t want to keep crying. i’m tired of the tears and the hurt and not wanting to leave my mom(not bc i don’t love her, cause trust me i do). i think about you 24/7 and i’m heartbroken but i’m so happy to talk about this time in my life were such a wonderful boy came up to me at choir and talked to me one day and it led to a long relationship that has helped me grow. but i’m also devastated it happened.

You see i have mixed emotions about everything but at the same time. i’m happy during the day and then start feeling bad for what i think i’ve done to you and begin to hurt and become heartbroken all over again.

this might seem clingy/psycho but i’m not ready to let go mentally and i’m not ready to say goodbye to the memories we had and i’m not ready to let the gifts go to waste, because i’m so emotionally attached and i know i may have more feelings for you than you do for me but that’s okay. i just share my feelings a lot easier and more.

i pray for you. each and every day. every since the beginning of this week. i pray for you. and our paths for our lives as two individual people. and i don’t ask God to lead you to bad when i pray about you. i pray that he leads you to paradise even if it takes thunder storms with it. i pray you become stronger in his word as i’m praying the same for myself. i pray that one day we will be friends and look back on our relationship and think “man, that was us?”

also. one major reason i’m happy about this is because every time i think of it it tries and brings me down. but all i can think of is becoming stronger mentally and spiritually and i still have hope for us in the future if it’s ever Gods will for us too.

i hope you feel the same, but it’s okay if you don’t because God is only trying to make you stronger and he makes these things happen because you are stronger than you think you are. he’s testing you and you need to stay strong and pass this test.

i hope (if you read this, which you probably won’t, but it’s fine. haha) that you’ll understand more of what becoming stronger in our own problems is to be.

i hope you are becoming stronger in not only Christ but in yourself as well

Behind it all

The happiness

The laughs

The smiles

they used to be real, i used to love it when you bring a smile on my face. i loved it when you would want to come over and hang with me and my family.

Now all you do is block me out, out of our conversations, out of your heart, and what is soon to become your life

I try my best to be happy when i’m being tore down.

I feel like i annoy you, yet you still love me, yet, i feel you don’t.

I feel you don’t want to let me go, but you don’t want to keep me. It’s a feeling you love but it’s a feeling that brings you down. I want to talk to you but all i get is left on read.

I’m afraid you’ll get mad, i’m afraid you’ll get hurt, I’m afraid you’re not only going to agree i’m afraid your going to already be over what we used to have and my hear is just broken.

You act like i’m not here but when we’re together we look at each other and smile because we love each other, but only one of us feels we truly do.

I don’t want to fake this anymore, i don’t want you to see someone i’m hidden behind. i want you to have better and to that i will pray.

You were a priority to me and now that i’ve opened my eyes i guess your just what i thought i wanted to be a priority.

i loved you, and still do. If you ever need me i’m here, but never to be with you til we both mature and i hope that you have a wonderful life moving forward. i wish i could be with you through the rest

but there are times to move on and realize i can’t get any better if i dont move on and i’m sorry for the pain you’ve been through.

this isn’t true, just out of fun

Acting

I saw something on instagram the other day and it said “isn’t it funny that we have to act asleep to fall asleep” It got me thinking.

Isn’t it funny we have to act funny to be funny

We have to act sure of ourselves to be sure of ourselves.

We have to act sad to be sad.

And last but not least.

We have to act happy to be happy.

We tend to act happy when we are around certain people, we tend to act funny around certain people and the one i tend to do a lot is to act asleep when we are around some people. (if ya know what i mean).

We act happy for many reasons

  • We don’t want to break anybody else down
  • We just simply don’t want to be happy around certain people because for some reason they bring joy to others except for you.
  • etc etc.

We are happy when WE CHOOSE to be happy, not when someone you think is suppose to bring you joy. Not when you’re trying to act happy.

You may ask “what if someone dies, you can’t not be sad”.

well you’re right, but wrong at the same time. When someone dies we aren’t to be sad the whole time. We are to be happy for them and for the place they have gone and i believe that we are not to grieve about the bad of death but about the good.

We are sad when we CHOOSE to be sad.

There are pain cells that will trigger your mental pain and pain cells that are able to trigger your physical pain. Just by a little tiny “No, you’re wrong about everything” can ruin someone’s mental pain. We don’t want to be wrong. We don’t want to be dumb. WE don’t want to be wrong because of the pain we feel afterwards.

We are sure of ourselves because we CHOOSE to be sure of ourselves.

Now don’t get me wrong. being sure of yourself is good and all but only to a certain point is it.

Now I’ve written about this before just not on this blog. In the Bible it says whom you think you are, is who you will come out to be towards others.

I may be ugly to you but to me i’m beautiful and so what if i have a messy life but i have the best people to spend my messy life with and they will never bring me down.

If i say that about myself others will soon believe that as life goes on.

Wether or not i choose to be these things i’m still acting. but it’s wether i’m acting for the good or bad. i try and act for the good. i think you should too:)